The coronavirus isolation is messing with our lives in deep ways. And this could be great news.
Hear me out. I’m not at all saying that the actual pandemic is a good thing. There is real tragedy happening. Healthcare practitioners, bus drivers, grocery store workers, and many other essential workers, are dealing with incredible stress. Families have lost loved ones. People are paralyzed by fear.
In this article, I’m not talking to any of these people. I’m talking to people like me who do not have their lives greatly disrupted (yet) — people who are feeling low- to medium-grade anxiety about everything.
For us, this disruption may be a good thing because it can show us what is keeping us from being truly free. Our isolation can speak to us about what lies we are believing that are keeping us in the chains of anxiety, stress and lack of fulfillment.
The three “captors” I identify — success, consumption and status — aren’t original to me. They were introduced to me by Henri Nouwen, but I’m sure they can be found in many other places.
What is new is that in this time of broken routines and forced stillness, we may be realizing for the first time what a hold these chains have on us.
Hostage to Success?
There is good evidence that, in general, we work harder than we need to — at least in formal, paid work outside the home. This is the so-called “hustle” culture.
The only part of your identity that matters is what you’ve accomplished. What is the first thing that most people ask when they meet you? “So, what do you do for a living?”
We have a cult of success that tells us that we need to get ahead or we’ll be left behind.
Elon Musk is one of the main disciples of this movement. He’s stated on Twitter that you can’t “change the world on 40 hours a week.” And he adds that 80 hours, “peaking above 100 at times” is the amount one needs to work to change the world.
It is easy to debunk the idea that you need to work insanely long hours to change the world (most productivity research says the opposite), but that’s another conversation. Suffice to say that so many people in our 21st-century western culture are slaves to work and success.
Let me be clear, I’m as much a part of the cult of success as anybody else. I’m writing this for my own benefit as much as I am for anybody else.
Last year, I came very close to pursuing a career in law. I felt that this was my ticket to “success”. Sure, many lawyers seemed miserable, but at least they were ranked near the top of the societal ladder.
So, I studied hard for the LSAT, read online forums in order to perfect my application, spent many hours on my personal statement, and thought I was on my way to the oak-panelled halls of a good law school.
Why did I not go? It wasn’t because I had an epiphany about the pursuit of success. Part of it was that I wasn’t sure I had the personality for the type of work. But much of it was because I didn’t get into my top two schools and I didn’t want to move to a different city.
I’m now glad law school wasn’t in the cards because I realize that my motivations were not right. I would have made myself miserable in the chase for success.
Do you feel anxious during this pandemic that you’re not working enough or not productively enough? How do you know if this is why you’re anxious? We’ll get to that later.
Hostage to Consumption?
On the other end of the spectrum, maybe you’re anxious because you have to get off your phone and do work once in a while. Maybe all you want to do is sit around and watch Netflix all day. Maybe you are anxious because you can’t go to the store and browse for the latest, greatest gadget to buy.
If this is the case, maybe you’re a slave to consumption.
There is so much information about how our western societies are gratuitously consumeristic. Here are just a few statistics that shocked me about how we’re addicted to consumption:
- The average American household has almost as much consumer debt ($7,500) as the global average median household income ($9,700)
- The US and Western Europe make up 12% of the global population, yet they account for 60% of the world’s private consumption
- The amount Americans spend on Black Friday weekend ($57.4 billion in 2014) is over half of what they give to churches over the whole year ($103 billion)
Again, I’m as guilty as anybody else. I give in to the Black Friday deals every year. I have a better phone and laptop than I need. I watch shows or movies frequently.
My biggest weakness is books. I have a strong desire to own books, and each book isn’t expensive, so I end up buying more books than I have time to read. It’s not enough for me to borrow the books from the library — I need to have them on my bookshelf.
This consumeristic drive needs to be examined. We’re destroying the planet at an alarming rate, we’re going into debt instead of giving to charity, we’re sitting on the couch instead of staying healthy and it’s making us miserable.
This social distancing period is as good a time as any to scrutinize how we’re spending our time and money. Try exercising at home, reading, writing, video chatting with friends once in a while instead of watching Netflix. Try giving some money to charities fighting the pandemic instead of ordering the latest iPhone.
I’m making a rule for myself that I have to read 5 of my own books and/or library books before I can purchase another book.
At least for the next while, as much as possible, try giving instead of consuming. You may like it.
Hostage to Status?
This is similar to being a hostage to success, but not exactly the same. You can pursue status in a way where you’re not spending time on work and success.
For example, do you feel an anxiety that you haven’t watched all the same shows that your friends have seen? Does this make you nervous that you won’t have anything to contribute to conversations with your friends and co-workers? If yes, then you might be a slave to status.
I feel accountable for how I spend this free time I have with fewer social obligations. This is partly good because accountability can help us spend our time well.
But if we’re anxious because we want to have an “acceptable answer” for how we’re spending our time, then we might be more worried about status than living in a healthy and joy-filled way.
Do we feel more accountable to ourselves than to others? Are we living in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves regardless of how others view us?
How to Identify your Chains
The addictions mentioned above are not close in their seriousness to addictions to harmful substances, or to other diagnosed mental health issues. Despite this, there are lessons that we can take from mental health and addictions therapy.
During my Social Work grad studies, I became very interested in cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT). I started applying it to my own life and using it for my mild anxiety. I’ve found it to be a remarkably effective way to challenge negative thought patterns.
Sidenote: I’m not a licensed therapist. To learn proper CBT techniques, talk to your therapist.
One way to identify what is causing anxious or negative feelings in your life is to use a thought record. A thought record is a chart that you keep with you wherever you go, and you write down thoughts and feelings. The idea is that feelings are always preceded by some thought.
Whenever you notice yourself feeling off or anxious, write down the thoughts you had before you started feeling that way. You’re essentially identifying your “triggers”. There are other steps, like identifying precipitating behaviours and an alternative thought to replace your “trigger” that is more grounded in evidence. But for the first week or so focus on recording all of your moments of anxiety, and the thoughts that preceded them.
After a week of recording your thoughts, take a look at the ways of thinking that create negative feelings, especially anxiety. Is there a pattern? This can help you identify the “core beliefs” that are keeping you hostage.
For example, before you feel anxious, do you have the thought, I need to take advantage of this social isolation to learn new skills? You might be a hostage to success.
Or maybe, I need to go to bed but this next episode is supposed to be really good? You might be a hostage to consumption.
Or perhaps, others will find out that I haven’t been productive today? You might be a hostage to status.
If you feel like you’ve identified these “cruel masters” as a cause of severe anxiety or negative feelings in your life, please call a therapist.
But if I can make one other suggestion, it would be to start adding another thought after these harmful thoughts enter your mind:
“I don’t need to be, have or accomplish anything to be a person of value.”
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