Last week, Andy and I uneasily awaited CT scan results in the all too familiar room at Juravinski Hospital. My oncologist came in, asked about our Bahamas trip and then explained that in the past three months the tumours in my abdomen wall have grown and there are some new tumour growths appearing in my abdomen and now in my chest too. While it’s considered slow growing, the new tumour growth indicates this second oral drug I’ve been taking is not working.
We are thankful the cancer is mostly away from vital organs; it’s primarily in the abdome
After looking into a variety of other treatment options, we’ve agreed the best option
The approximate twelve pounds of fluid around my lungs, in my abdomen, lower back and thighs will continue to be monitored. Please pray that the pain in my left leg would subside; it’s not a blood clot but sure makes walking difficult.
Whew. Disappointing news. I definitely wasn’t rejoicing in the hospital room as we took in the news;
We live in a broken world. My heart longs for the perfect world God intended for us in the first place. C.S. Lewis says it beautifully, “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” This world is not our home. Our hearts should long for something more while we’re here. For me, the brokenness of disease, violence, war and natural disaster on earth make me long for God to come back, bring justice and call us to heaven for eternity.
Andy and I are not naive to the disease I have, and thankfully our anchored hope is in far greater things beyond this broken world, BUT we do hope and pray for a healing miracle. I think praying for physical healing is the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever done. Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable but they are never weakness.” And prayer does just that. It exposes our hearts, insecurities and worries to God. When the last three CT scans have shown tumour growth, it’s become increasingly faith-stretching to persevere in this prayer for physical healing. This negative news brings so much disappointment and sadness. I’d love to avoid these difficult human emotions and wish I could tell you I immediately feel peace, strength and trust in these hard moments, but I’d be lying. As a happily married gal in my twenties, hard news seems to only get harder.
So I’ve spent the last two weeks wrestling with and reflecting on prayer. Does prayer work? How do I live completely surrendered to God’s will while also praying boldly for physical healing? Increase my faith and teach me to pray, Lord! While much of prayer will remain a mystery as it’s how we communicate with the God of the universe, I am sure of these simple truths.
God hears our prayers. Every single one of them. It will always baffle me that God has any interest in the lives of little humans on earth, let alone His unconditional, relentless, beckoning LOVE for us. In no way do we deserve His listening ear, but He oh-so-patiently listens to our incoherent ramblings and cares. I’ve experienced this so tangibly throughout this cancer journey as I’ve poured my heart out to God. He is not a distant God. Instead, He longs for
Prayer is powerful and effective. This is not only a direct quote from James 5:16 and backed throughout the Bible with God even changing His mind because of bold prayers, it’s a truth I can personally attest to this past year. We (myself, Andy, our parents, siblings, families, friends, wider blog/church/community circles) have been collectively praying 100% for physical healing and 100% for God’s perfect will and glory to unfold throughout the journey (see early blog post on praying for healing). These prayers have been effective. Remember the
God has answered our prayers for physical healing in countless ways this past year, and beyond
We’re called to persevere in prayer. The Bible teaches us to praise God for the ways He’s redeeming the broken things in this world, to continually bring our requests to God and to ultimately remain faithful in prayer. Praying these two seemingly paradoxical prayers for physical healing and God’s will can be tiring and even discouraging when bad news comes. But God calls us to press on, “Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.” Colossians 4:2 The examples of bold, vulnerable prayers throughout the Bible give me permission and motivation to persevere in these big prayers. Yes, they require a lot of trust and faith in God, so I chime in with the sick boy’s father who cried out to Jesus saying, “Lord I believe; help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24 And when I’m completely at a loss, what a comfort to hold this truth, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know how we ought to pray, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans too deep for words.” Romans 8:26
Thank you for praying is a massive understatement. We need prayer to face each day. We need prayer warriors with faith big enough to ask God for physical healing and then accept whatever may come. We need prayer for my left leg pain, increased nausea sickness, fluid retention, difficulty breathing, ongoing treatment decisions, chemo side effects and chemo effectiveness. We need prayer for strength, perseverance, hope, joy and faith. We need prayer not only for Andy and
“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” – Hebrews 4:16
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