My health has taken a significant turn for the worse. This past month, I’ve been at home bedridden for the majority of each day with worsened nausea, fluid retention with complications and general weakness restricting mobility. After having my abdomen and chest drained of 3L of fluid three weeks ago, my oncologist arranged for home care nurses to come morning and evening to give strong anti-nausea medication and IV hydration.
There was very little improvement despite these efforts, but in the brief moments of relief I’d try to get downstairs to visit friends outside of my bedroom, bask in the front porch sunshine with my favourite beet juice or get in the car for a quick drive to get out and see the world. We are very thankful for the care extended by our family and friends including leg and back massages to relieve fluid aches, delicious meals coming twice a week, flexible short visits that brought light and joy to our day, encouraging texts, Mom continuing to cover our household tasks while caring for the sick me daily, an uplifting prayer/worship hour in our home, Netflix company, on the spot prayers, and so many other kind, creative gestures that have truly blessed myself and Andy. We feel the love and are so grateful for it. Thank you, cherished loved ones.
To all those praying from near and far, we are so thankful for you. The body of Christ is powerfully beautiful, and we’re continually amazed at how prayer can unite us across borders, ages and backgrounds. The sheer numbers is one thing, but knowing the names of those praying or audibly hearing your prayers has brought great encouragement. Your prayers humble, overwhelm, strengthen and uphold Andy and I daily. Thank you, faithful prayer warriors.
While there have been moments of relief and we feel loved, this past month has been very challenging physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I hoped for signs of recovery and strengthening, but week after week couldn’t point to any. The fluid returned with a vengeance only a week after the draining procedures. Vomiting decreased initially with the 24 hour coverage of IV medications, but this past week was on the rise again. It became hard to imagine an upswing in health as I definitely wasn’t getting stronger to be fit for chemotherapy or even a Toronto trial if it became available. This brings me to the most recent, difficult news.
We’ve been at Juravinski Hospital since Thursday night when my nausea worsened due to new and intense abdominal side pain. After x-rays, an ultrasound and CT scan, it’s been found that the cancer has spread much more since mid-September’s scan. Cancer is now inside my lungs, whereas it had only been on the outside before. This could introduce fluid to the inside of my lungs, which would not be drainable. These tests also found an issue with my ureter (brings urine to the bladder), which seems to be quite constricted. If either of these issues progress, they will take my life. At this point, our oncologist thinks I have less than six months.
I’ve moved from active treatment of cancer (there aren’t any good options left at this point, and even if there were, I’m too weak for chemo or trial eligibility) to now just managing symptoms of cancer (i.e. pain, nausea, breathing, fluid buildup). On Friday my abdomen and chest were drained again, with drains left in for continual monitoring and draining as needed for the next while. Because of this and the cancer progression, I’ve been admitted to Juravinski Hospital in Hamilton. Over the next week, our oncologist team will have more information gathered to determine whether I can go home or need to go to palliative care.
Since arriving at the hospital, the oxygen support has greatly improved my breathing (and talking), ongoing anti-nausea medications eventually stopped my vomiting and pain control measures have brought much relief. It is good to be in good care with nurses and oncologists gathering more information about my situation in order to determine the best plan moving forward. Please pray for God’s hand of direction to permeate these discussions and decisions.
Andy continues to blow me away with his ongoing patience, gentle kindness, sacrificial care and steadfast commitment to loving me fully. He stayed with me in the ER the first night and has bunked in my private room the past two nights. In a busy, public hallway while we waited for my CT scan, he offered to massage my swollen, aching bare feet. He patiently adheres to all my silly, particular requests like room furniture rearranging and ice to water ratios. Pray for Andy’s continued strength, perseverance and faith as he loves and cares for me here.
We are broken by this news of decline coming… and with an estimated timeline much sooner than we expected or hoped for. I think I am still in shock, but what I do have with absolute certainty is unexplainable peace. It’s the kind of peace I’ve come across this past year in the most unexpected, seemingly least fitting times. It doesn’t make sense. And yet, I’m surrounded and filled with this peace. It’s truly the “peace of God, which surpasses all understanding” which promises to “guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”Philippians 4:7.
Jesus longs for us to experience this peace so we can be fully freed from the troubles of this world when He says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27. I want to hang onto this deep-rooted peace in the coming weeks and months ahead, so feel free to join me in meditating on this verse, “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You.” Isaiah 26:3. Praise God for this miraculous gift of love and protection, a peace I do not deserve or understand but cherish.
As we move forward one day at a time, I am holding onto this promise of great hope while I peacefully rest and trust in the hammock of God’s love…
“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – Jesus (John 16:33)
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